Sex Crimes and Female Cops

I’m riding around in an unmarked police car with the sex crimes unit and my cop says “This stupid idiot broke into a girl’s hotel room last night and only finger banged her.  What a dipshit. Why would you go through all that trouble and not rape the girl?” It’s my first day with this detective but I can tell I’m going to like this lady whose hair looks like the 80’s version of Dee Snyder.  My crew is in the backseat and they are quiet.  Golden Ear sound guy is checking his OK Cupid account trying to find his next conquest and The Intruding Producer is sexting with the doctor he hooked up with from the site last week.  Ok Cupid is an epidemic in this production and everyone is on their phone checking their profiles constantly.  I ask Detective Dee, “Does it matter if it’s a finger or a dick? Isn’t it all rape?” “No,” she says, “it depends on the situation…sometimes if the perp doesn’t go past a knuckle it’s a misdemeanor.”  Golden Ear and I say we have to get together that night and write a new song called One Knuckle Misdemeanor.  You have to have a sick and twisted sense of humor to hang with cops and we fit right in. In general, but not always, Police see the perversions of life day after day and the calluses’ on their heart make them hard and insensitive people.  I’ve been accused of being difficult, hard, and insensitive my entire life so making jokes with Police Officers about horrible situations seems natural.  Intruding Producer starts joking that his Doctor hook up is too smart and should be using him as a rebound from her recent divorce, "she's super serious but loves the jokes." “Make them laugh then make them breakfast,” I say.  Golden Ear tells the Intruding Producer he better plan an exit strategy or get ready for the relationship train because the Doctor is GaGa and ready to make house calls to the west coast.  We laugh as we pull up to the beauty salon to talk to the victim.  It turns out she doesn’t want to press charges so we have to load back into the car frustrated that the girl could care less about what happen to her.  Detective Dee sees it every day and brushes it off. One thing I’ve learned filming law enforcement shows is Cops are not babysitters and will not coddle you if you don’t care about the situation.  There is always another call for cops and they are more than happy to clear your situation with headquarters and get going down the road.  All I can say is the front seat of a cramped cop car with a 30lb camera on your shoulder for 10 hours a day isn’t the best office, so I pop an unprescribed vicodin and laugh knowing I’m breaking the law getting back into a cop car.  We’re off because we just got a call from a parent about a couple having sex in the back seat of a car next to a kid’s baseball game at a popular park.  It sounds like high school all over and I contort my aching back into the front seat of the car.  I think it’s going to be a fun three weeks in Ft. Lauderdale and I’m thinking of Hunter S. Thompson as we fire up the lights and sirens off to arrest perverts.
http://www.gonzo.org/
http://tlc.discovery.com/videos/police-women/