Once again I’m sitting on the bench overlooking our beach landing except this time I’m the crew going down river tomorrow to try and pull off the impossible. I’m staring into the flame of my burning production notes that burn in the butt can. We live with our cast in tight quarters and if they found these story notes some of them would be upset. It’s hard to keep up the 4th wall in small spaces but it’s our career and we do it all the time on every show. This particular show hinges on one moving part and that part is nowhere to be found so I am going to try and get it here. This jungle is a black hole that eats time, people and equipment. Nobody has a sense of time and when the locals tell you something will take a ½ hour they usually don’t show up until 1 ½ later. How can someone know what a half hour is if they don’t own a watch, live by the sun, and have no concept of time. For the locals it works great; making a television show under these circumstances is frustrating. We had some major problems the other day and our director Captain Shamrock called me on satellite phone and said, “We’re good now and the boat driver should be here any minute.” I looked up and Gaba, the expected boat driver, was in our kitchen eating breakfast. Our interior compound is three hours from where the crews were. “Put a fire under everybody’s ass now!!!!” Captain Shamrock yells. That’s all I need to hear. I grab Gaba, the driver, pull him away from the table, load the gas for the boat, and start driving our ATV to The Landing. I try to be a good American while traveling abroad but in this case we get to the boat dock and I start throwing fifty gallon barrels of diesel down two flights of stairs into the water, run down the stairs then pull the barrels into the boat. Gaba is freaking out and so are the random passengers standing around. I start chucking all their personal belongings off the dock and yell “everybody better grab your stuff now or I’m going to load it for you.” I started a fire and everybody starting moving in North American time.
Later that night, Cooley, my good friend and owner of Big Buy Out tells me, “DJ Cash Bar, I hear you loaded a boat faster than anybody ever around here.” I laugh, “Just taking care of business my friend.” I sit down with Cooley and we share our thoughts. He tells me “A man dreams tonight and most likely can’t accomplish that dream tomorrow. Day to day people make changes in their life, sometimes those changes take effect in a day or week and could possibly be as long as years but a person has to do this to realize their dream because life in not one way.” Cooley is my most trusted local friend and we have shared many nights discussing life and the differences of our cultures. That night the Big Buy Out sells out of beer and he tells our group there will not be a shipment of beer for three days. We all cheer like we won the superbowl. It’s not the first time production people have bought a place out and it won’t be the last.
I am with the hardcore of the reality world and everybody has worked on the most difficult and challenging shows ever made. I fit right in. Our bunk has traded the shotgun we smuggled here for a Smith & Wesson 45 caliber pistol. Drama, Drugs, Sex, and Violence is a way of life here and we are prepared for the worse. Last night in town it wasn’t my fault is was just my turn to be told by a fall down cross eyed drunk local, “I was a solider once and I will shoot you.” I’m assuming it’s like prison and they just want a reaction. We always tell the crazy drunks, “We are all Americans, but I am a North American and if you try to pull a gun I will slit your throat and let you bleed out in the street.” Sometimes it’s good to have the reputation of a warmongering country behind you. It’s a heady trip going into The Landing and we rarely go into town alone and always watch each other’s backs. In addition it’s impossible to get a gun around here and as far as I’ve seen we are the only ones with them. In reality the Jungle has thousands of ways to kill you and when you’re out there you have to be on high alert so when people are in town their guard is down and they are there to let off steam. It’s all posturing so we go back to drinking. However it is still a little unnerving when 5 guy from the jungle walk into a bar and they are all carrying machetes. Everybody has some kind of weapon and it’s surprising nothing more than shouting matches happen most of the time. Keep your head down, don’t talk smack, and be as nice as you can is our rule.
On this night Captain Shamrock tells us, “I am glad I grew up in the generation of jumping curbs. I would have killed myself if I was born during the generation of X games.” He’s not joking and he probably would have killed himself. Taz, an Australian and my new favorite Cameraman, tells us he misses his kids and their milkshake night, “We still have real whole milk delivered and I take the top 4% which is straight sweet cream, add that to ice cream, pour in the chocolate and then we get fat. Other times I just drink the cream straight off the top.” I enjoy Taz’s company. Captain Shamrock, he and I are a fearsome threesome when we roll together. There are crazy things happening around us all the time and all I can think is I’ll be alright and even if I’m not I’ll be okay.
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