End of Extreme Days

Our plane touches down in San Antonio and it’s sad to note that this is last time the crew will do this for Extreme Makeover Home Edition. The show was recently cancelled after 9 seasons and we are here to film the last episode. There is a saying in production that I’ve adopted as my motto, it’s not called showfreinds its called showbiz, but in the case of Extreme Makeover that saying doesn’t hold true. This crew is a family and this group also likes its parties, so in true Alpha team style a bus is at the airport waiting to pick us up  and take us to a Mariachi and margarita party hosted by the city.  I’m with Tipsy Mcstumbles and when we walk into the bar it’s clear by the people stumbling around that there is an open bar.  A stunning Latina supermodel walks up to us and holds out a full tray of tequila shots, “Welcome to San Antonio! Do you want to try a shot of Ambhar Tequila?” Of course we answer yes. “If we drink enough of this will all the girls look like you?” Tipsy ask and The Stunner laughs and starts handing us shots. “Put your finger in mine so it’s extra sweet.” I say and she does.  The party continues and it obvious people are drinking out of sadness the show is over and happiness because it’s the last time so might as well go out big.

 Bronco walks up and asks where The Lady is. This is a question I will have to field 100 times tonight because when I started this show The Lady and I were locked at the hip and traveled to all the episodes together so the crew is use to her being around. Memories flood my brain but I push them out with more tequila. I was raised in a rough and tough manner and emotions were kept on the inside as a child. I remember something my dad told me at Christmas, “There are thousands of fish out there and you need to remember we’re tough. Iron Sharpens iron, Punch first if you’re in a fight, winning does count, and don’t talk do it, then talk about it.”  I foul on the last part of his advice and my actions don’t always speak louder than my words.  I tuck my emotions away and live for the moment. Mariachis fire up the music and everyone starts dancing. It’s a great night until somebody goes so big they end up puking all over the bathroom then on the patio and in the process knocks over a few tables and chairs.  The Restaurant is not impressed, everyone is cut off and the party is shut down.  About this time I think the city is reevaluating its decision to throw us a party and the Mayor is ready to take the Key to the City back. I know your question and the answer is no…it wasn’t me. Tipsy and I walk into the regular costumers bar and join the crowd. This works for another half hour until the owner walks up to usher us out, “hey is this a cash bar now?” I ask. He tells us our money is no good and we are not welcome here anymore. Eighty-sixed again. We all stumble back to the hotel and post party in Bronco’s Room. Arty walks in with a Tupperware full of cali medicine and a set of headphones. “What are the head phones for?” I ask. Arty gives me looks like I’m the stupidest guy in the room, “you never got high and needed headphones to hear god?” The room goes quiet and Nudist producer yells “I need to talk to god so load that shit up and give me the green hit.” We puff, puff, pass and I go home disappointed because nudist producer hogs the head phones and I never hear from God.

 It’s a short show for me because I’m doubled booked and have to leave the episode early.  On my last night a group of us go to Durty Nellie’s on The Riverwalk for a night out. If you are ever in San Antonio look it up because the live music is great and the atmosphere on Riverwalk is worth a visit. I will miss Tipsy Mcstumbles, Bama, Head Tech & Zoe Zoe, Bronco, Red, Boston, Happy EP, The Dean, The Griff Bar and Crazy hair Jeffers,  but we all know it’s a small world in production and we will see each other down the line. As for me it’s time for an adventure of a lifetime and I’m ready to leave civilization behind and live in the South American rain forest for a couple months. Thanks to Extreme for allowing me to be part of the family, I will miss you all and the good we did for families around the country.

Rebounding like Rodman

I walk into The Fifth my neighborhood dive bar and Tucson the bartender has my jack and coke made before I sit down. “I like that you’re a regular again, I missed you,” She says with a wink. “Break ups and alcohol go hand in hand,” I murmur. Tucson laughs “alcohol usually is the cause of my breakups.”  She and I make small talk but turn our focus on rabbit earring a conversation next to us. We are laughing at two guys relentlessly hitting on a girl. They are using the tried and true method of putdowns hoping the girl will go out of her way to overcompensate their negative attitudes by sleeping with one of them. Unoriginal guy #1 says, “You say you want a guy with a sense of humor but I’ve been funny all night and you still won’t go home with me, so does that mean you just want a guy with money?” Cute girl is annoyed, “I said I wanted security and a funny guy.” Unoriginal Guy #1 “You’re like all the LA tramps you say security but in your head that really means money.” I look at Tucson, order another Jack and Coke and say “They are going about that all wrong, I say make them laugh then make them breakfast.” Tucson laughs and walks away.  

I’m relieved when a pair of old friends walks in shouting “DJ Cash Bar, long time no see, I heard you moved to Mississippi.” I can’t believe my fortunes that it’s my bar crush and her friend. They sit down and I order another round for everyone. “I had a lady from Mississippi so I’ve been locked up tending to her needs but she packed up her 4 year old for greener pastures and a better man she’s in love with. Regardless of that I heard you moved to Manhattan?” My bar crush takes a drink and says, “I did, I’m out here for a month for a few photo shoots. I’m staying with my sister and her girlfriend. It’s miserable they fight all day and all night. Lesbians are criminally jealous and mean. Can I be your rebound? I need a new place to stay for a couple weeks they are driving me to drink.”  In the past we flirted endlessly so I say “I doubt so, I wouldn’t make an outlet pass if I rebounded you.” “So you’re telling me you want to take me end to end?” she questions.  This continues and I clue them in on the bad pickup artist and over the next half an hour we watch as a new guy comes into the scene and swipes the girl. As the girl leaves with new guy I lean over and say “Hey buddy you just got Tebowed.” His buddy laughs, he doesn’t. My bar crush is getting buzzed and says “My vagina is like an elevator lately the doors are always closing on somebody before they can get in.” In jest I say “I thought you were going to say strangers are fingering your button all day, or strangers are going up and down in your box all day.” “Fuck no, I’m picky but I did lose a rabbit in there once,” she answers. Then out of nowhere she says “lets take my friend home, go to your place, take some crazy pictures, and fool around a bit. I think this is the first time we’ve both been single since we’ve known each other.” Check please.

As we are leaving Unoriginal Guy #2 looks over, “No way did you Tebow that chick.” Smiling I shake my head no. “I know she’s a dime and I’m a nickel but believe it or not she Tebowed me.”Unoriginal Guy #1 says “Fuck this bar, we got bookend Tebowed tonight by losers.” I shrug and walk out with my bar crush and her friend. We enter my place and Bar Crush feels right at home. “Let’s party,” She says. Rummaging around my stash I find some goodies “I have some old mushrooms I’ve been hanging onto and I think a spiritual head change is just what the doctor ordered for tonight.” It had been about 10 years since I did mushrooms but it was perfect to change my reality and get me out of my post break up funk.  The night turned into a boozy clouded mix of weird photo sessions with clothes thrown everywhere that ended with the sun coming up and us going down for the count. It was strange sharing my bed with someone new but it was nice to have someone there. “I’m only here for two weeks, so we can rebound like Rodman but don’t fall in love with me,” she says as her eyes slowly begin to close. "Let’s go see Jay-Z and Kanye at Staples Sunday," is my only answer. She drifts off to sleep and I fight to stay awake watching the morning sunlight hit her milk chocolate colored skin and for the first time in couple weeks I know I’m going to be alright and life moves on.