I walk into The Fifth my neighborhood dive bar and Tucson the bartender has my jack and coke made before I sit down. “I like that you’re a regular again, I missed you,” She says with a wink. “Break ups and alcohol go hand in hand,” I murmur. Tucson laughs “alcohol usually is the cause of my breakups.” She and I make small talk but turn our focus on rabbit earring a conversation next to us. We are laughing at two guys relentlessly hitting on a girl. They are using the tried and true method of putdowns hoping the girl will go out of her way to overcompensate their negative attitudes by sleeping with one of them. Unoriginal guy #1 says, “You say you want a guy with a sense of humor but I’ve been funny all night and you still won’t go home with me, so does that mean you just want a guy with money?” Cute girl is annoyed, “I said I wanted security and a funny guy.” Unoriginal Guy #1 “You’re like all the LA tramps you say security but in your head that really means money.” I look at Tucson, order another Jack and Coke and say “They are going about that all wrong, I say make them laugh then make them breakfast.” Tucson laughs and walks away.
I’m relieved when a pair of old friends walks in shouting “DJ Cash Bar, long time no see, I heard you moved to Mississippi.” I can’t believe my fortunes that it’s my bar crush and her friend. They sit down and I order another round for everyone. “I had a lady from Mississippi so I’ve been locked up tending to her needs but she packed up her 4 year old for greener pastures and a better man she’s in love with. Regardless of that I heard you moved to Manhattan?” My bar crush takes a drink and says, “I did, I’m out here for a month for a few photo shoots. I’m staying with my sister and her girlfriend. It’s miserable they fight all day and all night. Lesbians are criminally jealous and mean. Can I be your rebound? I need a new place to stay for a couple weeks they are driving me to drink.” In the past we flirted endlessly so I say “I doubt so, I wouldn’t make an outlet pass if I rebounded you.” “So you’re telling me you want to take me end to end?” she questions. This continues and I clue them in on the bad pickup artist and over the next half an hour we watch as a new guy comes into the scene and swipes the girl. As the girl leaves with new guy I lean over and say “Hey buddy you just got Tebowed.” His buddy laughs, he doesn’t. My bar crush is getting buzzed and says “My vagina is like an elevator lately the doors are always closing on somebody before they can get in.” In jest I say “I thought you were going to say strangers are fingering your button all day, or strangers are going up and down in your box all day.” “Fuck no, I’m picky but I did lose a rabbit in there once,” she answers. Then out of nowhere she says “lets take my friend home, go to your place, take some crazy pictures, and fool around a bit. I think this is the first time we’ve both been single since we’ve known each other.” Check please.
As we are leaving Unoriginal Guy #2 looks over, “No way did you Tebow that chick.” Smiling I shake my head no. “I know she’s a dime and I’m a nickel but believe it or not she Tebowed me.”Unoriginal Guy #1 says “Fuck this bar, we got bookend Tebowed tonight by losers.” I shrug and walk out with my bar crush and her friend. We enter my place and Bar Crush feels right at home. “Let’s party,” She says. Rummaging around my stash I find some goodies “I have some old mushrooms I’ve been hanging onto and I think a spiritual head change is just what the doctor ordered for tonight.” It had been about 10 years since I did mushrooms but it was perfect to change my reality and get me out of my post break up funk. The night turned into a boozy clouded mix of weird photo sessions with clothes thrown everywhere that ended with the sun coming up and us going down for the count. It was strange sharing my bed with someone new but it was nice to have someone there. “I’m only here for two weeks, so we can rebound like Rodman but don’t fall in love with me,” she says as her eyes slowly begin to close. "Let’s go see Jay-Z and Kanye at Staples Sunday," is my only answer. She drifts off to sleep and I fight to stay awake watching the morning sunlight hit her milk chocolate colored skin and for the first time in couple weeks I know I’m going to be alright and life moves on.
No comments:
Post a Comment